[Five] Easy Steps to Starting Your Own Religion

Congratulations! Through raw charisma you've successfully managed to sucker a few gullible morons into believing that you are some kind of enlightened prophet. But where do you go from here? Follow these [Five] Easy Steps to Starting Your Own Religion and you'll soon have wealth and power beyond your wildest dreams.

1. Appeal to your base

Utilizing common sense moral values, proclaim that your almighty deity is against things like killing, cheating, stealing and lying. Casually slip "not believing in me" into the mix. Lastly, make it clear that these things are only immoral because god says so.

Commit these beliefs to a holy text that tells an engaging history of good versus evil through simple parables. Be sure to blame all of humanity's suffering on a nebulous villain and declare your deity to be its antithesis. Hint that god, if he did not write this text directly, at least dictated it to you telepathically.

Optional: Update your followers' old religion to lead into your new one. This can be done through succession (old god is replaced by your deity), appropriation (old god claims to have changed-- no more wrath, he swears --and insists that he's a new god), or addition (old god is now an aspect of the new god).

2. Raise the stakes

Preach that all humans are merely physical incarnations of immortal souls, and that this life is just a dry run for the real thing. Promise those of your flock who behave themselves entry into a paradise filled with love and music and chocolate bacon (unless you've deemed pork to be evil, which is not recommended). Threaten those who go against your religion with an eternity of suffering in a fiery pit of torment.

Reassure your adherents that anyone can be saved from having a really bad afterlife by simply worshipping god and expressing heartfelt regret for not believing sooner. Fearing that they might end up in a different afterlife than their loved ones, this will drive many followers to spread the religion to friends and relatives. The more selfless members of your religion may even take it upon themselves to "save" strangers.

Optional: Sell VIP tickets to the good afterlife to help fund your growing religion. Charge as much as you can, insisting that money and possessions only distract from service to god.

3. Discourage free thought

Step three is of the utmost importance, as some followers may begin to question why they are listening to a schmuck like you. After all, you haven't been able to present inscrutable evidence of your god's existence, let alone his supposed omnipotence. The solution is to reveal that blind faith is the shortcut to getting into your deity's good graces. Explain that questioning one's belief will only serve to make god angry, and that one wouldn't like god when he's angry.

If anyone, be they a member of your religion or a heathen, ever poses a valid or logical argument against your teachings, simply reference a passage from your holy text. It doesn't have to be relevant, it only has to seem vaguely on topic. Your flock's hive mind will subsequently rationalize away any seeds of doubt.

Optional: Preempt dissent by banning any books that contradict the holy text. Take this concept even further by blacklisting artwork that inspires creativity or contemplation, regardless of its medium. Speaking of, have you considered turning your holy text into a movie?

4. ???

Ah, the all-important fourth step: ???. The three question marks stand for Confuse, Obfuscate, and Ridicule. It is vital that none of your adherents fully understand their own religion. Confuse them with subtle inconsistencies. Obfuscate your religion's dogma with complex rituals. Lastly, ridicule those who can't grasp your newly-mangled system of beliefs.

Believers will become ever more zealous in defense of beliefs they, themselves, can't explain. There's practically no downside to this because one thing people hate more than feeling ignorant is admitting that they are. Your baffled followers will reach acceptance, assuming that everyone else but them fully understands the religion.

Optional: There are actually six more question marks. They stand for Baffle, Lie, Ignore, Mystify, Excommunicate, and Yell-on-cable-television.

5. Profit!

The last step is, happily, also the easiest. It's time to reap the rewards of all your hard work! Start by taxing your congregation a fixed percentage of their income, but don't call it a tax. (The government hates competition.) Assure your followers that donations are not mandatory, but hint that they might burn in hellfire for all eternity if they hold back on their generosity. Best of all, because of your inscrutable tax exempt status, you will get to keep all the money for yourself.

Once again, congratulations!